My mind is a whirlwind

There are particular things in life that I still can't let go of and that are still fresh in my mind. Recently people have lost trust in me at the same time I've lost trust in others and myself.  I'm stuck in the middle of things and I honestly don't know which path to take right now. I want to let go of things that bother me and that make me ask a million questions but at the same time I don't want to give up. I want to keep on trying to make things better, to fix them and even if things won't be the same I want to make things even better than before.

This is not how I imagined it. I prayed so hard but this is what I got, I got something even more painful. I am now stuck in between and I don’t know where my life is any more. I tried to reflect but I am left with friends and family and trust that’s withered away. I not only lost the trust of people I lost trust in myself and I stand in between. I wished and I prayed so hard but everything just went downfall, I rushed things again. I don’t want to force things to happen any more.  

I don’t want to think about it, I thought it was all gone but it’s still there stuck at the back of my mind and at the bottom of my heart. I don’t want to dig through those feelings. I want to give up already, all I want are signs and symbols just to make things a little easier. This guilt, this pain, is too much for me to handle, no I am not okay and yes this is hard.