First Few Months

So its been the third month of the year and I am already tired of all the drama that has been thrown at me. It's not even half way through the year but I have learned so much. I have somehow managed to survive these few months.

I've lost friends , lost trust and lost hope. All of these has taught me something new, sadly learning them the hard way. I realized who my real friends are and I finally proved that it is not about the quantity but the quality of a friendship. I eventually opened my eyes to the fact that it really isn't about having loads of friends. It is best to just have a few friends and focus on them, building a stronger relationship with them.

All of this showed me that I should be more cautious with who I tell things to; not everyone needs to know you story because sometimes they're just there for the gossip.

I never thought I would lose trust in people, I've lost the trust in people and it really is hard to go back. It is hard to gain someone's trust. After my trust was broken by a lot of people I have now started to build a wall. I've finally built a wall so that not everyone can get through. I want to protect myself and make sure the same thing doesn't happen twice. I want to make sure I won't go back t the things that have hurt me. Once the damage is done, there's no going back.

Then there's hope, I hung onto a rope hoping one day I would reach the top. However, someone let go of that rope. I tried so hard to climb up the rope and even though my hands were giving up I hung on. Now I know that's not how it should have been. If someone wanted me to reach the top the would have pulled me up up and saved me. They would have never allowed me to hang onto a rope in the first place.

From this I've learned that if someone wants you in their life they will allow you without even asking. You will always have space for that special someone but sometimes you have to accept the fact that you're not not the one for them and they're not the one for you. That's okay, that's how we learn. We get pushed down and our eyes are opened to reality. It's not all about rainbows and butterflies, it's about how you survive through the rain, thunder, storm and lightning that attack you all at once.

 I am proud of myself, sometimes I don't even know how I get through all of this. There were times I just wanted to hide and disappear but after realizing that I got this far, I stood back up again. I am done crying and moping around, I won't allow anyone to bring me down especially if it's not worth my time.

Everyone's time is precious no matter who you are so I guess it's best to spend it wisely. Hang out with friends and family, do what you want and keep on thinking positive even if you're looking into a black hole. It might not get you anywhere but it will keep you going.

Hope is like strings holding you up like a puppet, even if you didn't want to stand up, you're forced to stand up anyway. Give yourself no choice but to keep on going.

What Now?

I don't understand why I always seem to put myself in sticky situations. I always pray to be stronger but I am always thrown with drama leaving me in a huge state. Sometimes I don't even know how I get through it. Sometimes I need a break from my own life, but sadly its not possible. I'm left trying to pick myself up. I'm left wondering who is there for me? I'm left questioning if people understand, if they can actually make things better. I feel like I'm just crawling and I don't have a choice. I've come to a point where I'm tired. I know I haven't been through a lot but none of this expected, I want to avoid it all and I need that rainbow in my life right now.

I don't even know I mange to cope up with everything. I look back and feel so proud of myself because I definitely feel stronger. It's such a drag though, all these new things I'm learning and experiencing have downsides. All of it hasn't be easy, all of it has once dragged me done and somehow I'm still here. I don't want to run away but I feel like I'm just running into the fire naked.


 #life #blog #me

Philippines: Lessons Learned

Its been three years and I've finally learned how to commute, I've finally taken the jeep, tricycle and FX all on my own. I am so proud of myself at the same time I can finally go out whenever and wherever I want. Next up I have to try taking a bus, LRT and MRT.

Trying new things and going to new places really makes me fall even more in love with the Philippines. I love the feeling of doing something out of my comfort zone, it makes me learn more about myself. Trying new things makes me realize I am actually capable of doing more things than I think I can, just like the quote "you're stronger than you think you are." I think this definitely applies to me.

I feel like my life is so much better here, I have become so comfortable and I have an attachment now to the Philippines where I can't let go. I can't let go of all the memories I've made, of all the experiences I've had and the things that I have done.

I have learned so much I don't think I could ever leave. Everything I learned here in the Philippines has changed my outlook on life, it has opened my mind and made me realize so many things. I don't think this is a stepping stone, I can't describe what the Philippines has done to me, but I can definitely say that it's given my whole life shock and woken me up to all the possibilities in my life.

Not only has the Philippines taught me so much so has people, I have been deeply influenced by the people, I have lost friends, gained the most amazing friends and met so many different characters who each play a different role in my life. As I've told my friend before, I have learned how to keep and let go of friends, I know how to appreciate and treasure friends. My friends here in the Philippines have really helped me with everything that I've been through and am still going through. Some still teaching me, some are just there by my side the whole time and until now.

I guess all I can say is that everything may not to be perfect and yes I have a few scars and regrets but I chose to keep on going and looking at the brighter side of life. I refuse to let anything bring me down or even hurt me again. I have learned to be careful and to slow down, to think first and make sure what I'm doing is hopefully the right thing. Though I am still taking risks, I want to make sure I am enjoying and getting the thrill that I seek in life.


#life #risks #20s #philippines

2015??

For 2014 I made a wish, I prayed and I prayed for something that I really wanted. I didn't think I would get it and I gave up. Then suddenly I received something unexpected and I got hurt. I wanted something happier, I got my taste of happiness but more pain and loss.

Last year I became a different version of myself, something I am not proud of. I shocked myself with the person I became doing things I never thought I was capable of doing.

Now I am lost, I don't know who I am anymore or what I want. I am too scared to wish for anything because I know it will not wbe what I expected but there is one thing I still have and will always have and that is hope. I will not give up. I will accept everything open handly and try to deal with things as best as I can. I will concentrate on myself this 2015. I will become a better version of myself and I will make things right again. I promise myself I will apply everything I learned last year in this year ahead.

Saying Bye To My Teen Years

I had a blast on my birthday! Spending it with close friends; drinking, playing games and just talking about whatever. I was very nervous and worried that my friends would get bored but we had so much fun. Though we didn't finish the alcohol the food was definitely all gone! We started off playing a game of kings cup followed by playing random games, asking each other personal questions and hanging around at the balcony.

This was my first birthday to spend without my family I thought I would get emotional but I guess it is true that as you get older it is harder to cry! It was a great way to end my teen years where I was the host making sure everyone ate, making sure they were comfortable and making sure everyone was having fun. It was great to see people laugh and feel at home it really touched my heart, especially with a surprise of cream puffs instead of a cake, as the usual. Also the sweet messages afterwards made my birthday just perfect!

Birthday present from a friend

Instead of cake my friends surprised me with these delicious cream puffs 

Presents!!!! 

Our snacks for the night! 

After midnight pizza 18' 

Lunch the next day, two burger bundles, my favourite twister fries!


#Birthday #drinks #houseparty 

Cheers to being 20

Now that I am finally 20 I can finally say the line "that was so last year." After a hell of a crazy year full of ups and downs I am so happy I am no longer 19. Being 19 was one of the best years of my life so far, even though I made so many stupid mistakes and got to experience so many new things it was such an eventful year.

I definitely feel like I grew up and I really made the most of being a teen. I spent the year rushing things saying "yes" to everything, making bad choices, making stupid mistakes but I finally made it through the year. I am so glad to finally have my teen years end and I am ready to just keep on going, to keep on learning and to experience new things.

After that year I realized I need to learn to say no, I need to slow down and I need to let things just fall into place and let things come to me with a little effort of course.

Here are a few pictures to highlight my year:

First time to drink at Taft, meeting new people and being exposed to a new culture 

First time to be at a cafe alone, eating my favourite, cupcakes! And reading my favourite magazine Cosmopolitan 

First time to finally get to attend Close Up Forever Summer 

Drinking at home before I left for England for the summer

Spent the weekend as soon as I arrived in London with my cousin, food food food 

First time to taste Vodka Gold  

First time to try shisha at Camden town 

First time to visit Wales 

Had dinner for the first time at Covent Garden

Had a picnic with my cousin and decided to make a daisy chain afters years and years 

Another first to visit a different kind of bar, Ice Bar

My closest friend sleeping over after not seeing her for two years I missed her so so much 

Saw all my friends visit Cremes I just had to go when I was in London 

Ate at Zizi, I used to eat here with my sister every time we would visit our mum at work 

Went to Kingston and saw this for my first time 

The closest I've ever been to my favourite building at Liverpool street 

Visited Greece and saw this lovely view 

My love for postcards, Greece was amazing!

                                        #throwback #summer #greece #london #manila

With The Click of My Fingers

Everything happened so fast, a few weeks ago I was drowning in my tears and I felt like everything was over. I felt like I couldn't pick myself up and it was so hard to smile and laugh. Now all of a sudden I am suddenly laughing out loud and the butterflies in my stomach have turned into a whirlwind and every time my heart just skips a beat. I've never felt this way before, I have never laughed like this before, everything just seems so perfect it's become my drug, it's kept me going and it just feels so good.

It all just happened with the click of a finger and now I can't get over this feeling that I have. It feels so good I am finally living in my perfect version of reality, this isn't a dream anymore. It's all real and I don't want to let go, I want more and more. But I am afraid maybe tomorrow it will all be gone, tomorrow I'll be back to square one, maybe tomorrow I will have to forget this feeling and forget that everything happened because we all know this doesn't last forever.

We know that happiness comes and go but sadly the memories will just stay and leave a mark, it will become a memory but the worse thing is the emotions that come with it. That's it really it will all be just a memory and I will have to pray just to erase it but that obviously doesn't work out.

It's just something we all go through and that we have to enjoy, appreciate and hold on to for a while


#latepost #happiness

Eleven Sixteen

Its 11:16pm and I’m listening to the song “I wish you would” by Taylor Swift. I’ve been hearing about her album lately and I decided to download it and seeing as I couldn’t really write any articles I decide to just have a sound trip, to relax myself and maybe even reflect on things.

My friend was in my room telling me about her problems. I love it when people do this, I love it when people trust me and open up to me. I know a lot of people have lost trust in me and I guess I’m not that good at giving advice. I’m inexperienced in many ways so I don’t know how to give good advice; my friend is older than me so whatever I say probably won’t do anything but I chose to tell her what I would do in her situation. However, I know that the best thing to do is just to listen and tell her what I think when appropriate.

Today is a Wednesday but it feels like a Friday, it feels like a whole week has passed when it has only been three days of classes. There has been more added to my list of things to do and I don’t know where to start. My mind is just a blur and I want this all to be over, I want to go back to England to see my family. I am truly homesick I don’t know what to do; next year seems so far away. Everything seems so impossible and I am beginning to have negative thoughts about a lot of things. I’m supposed to be optimistic but sometimes it’s so hard, I want to give up a lot of things. I want the days back when everything was so easy! Where problems weren’t life changing, where my mistakes could easily be forgotten and didn’t make a huge impact on my life because of my mistakes, now I am forced to change my ways. I am forced to grow up, accept and move on. But to be honest it is very hard to do all this, it requires all my energy and emotions to get through all of this. 

#TaylorSwift #Time

But Another Day

Its another day again that I'm trying to go back to the way things were before. So much has happened in the last three months, what more in a year. I learn something every day, I become stronger day by day. But I am still here wishing for you. I feel like I am going somewhere but away from from what I really want. I have accepted things or rather I am trying to accept things but all I want is you. I have no choice but to continue. Here I am lying in bed thinking about tomorrow, about next week, about next year. I want to know what will happen, will I still have these feelings.

#love #hope #tomorrow

Posted via Blogaway

The dream I never wished for

I never thought you would make it as far as my dreams. I didn't want you there, I was doing so well until you entered a part of me that I loved. I love dreams, they take you to another world that could be. My dreams are the most weirdest dreams ever but I enjoy having dreams that are different to reality it makes my life more exciting. But that dream with you in it, was so awkward, why did I have to dream about you. You entered my mind again, that's the last thing I wanted, I wanted to move on. I thought I had moved on though you did cross my mind a lot but that was okay. I knew it would be normal to be have you in my thoughts, but it was going so well. I thought I reached so far, but you brought me back again. Searching for the reasons to why I dreamed about you is useless really. No one can give me the answer and I have to live with it.

I want things to go back to the way they were but I have accepted it, I know it won't. That's fine with me, I messed things up and I am dealing with the consequences but at the end of the day it still hurts.


#Dreams #life #reality

Reality Through My Eyes

It happens all the time, you wish for something so badly then when it does come its nothing like you expected. It can be something you wish you never wished for or it can be the best thing that ever happened to you. So I guess life works in mysterious ways. I know I am still young and I can feel myself growing up and maturing... the hard way. So all that is left now is that I keep on moving forward because that is the only thing left to do.

You plan everything out, it seems so perfect and you get so excited and then BAM! Reality hits you in the face. I'm still trying to figure out life (I'm only 19) but what I do know is nothing turns out the way you expect it. This is what makes things more challenging and at times exciting,  it's like a test to see if you can get through it. If you can overcome the challenge and still hold your head up high knowing you learned something new, knowing it might have all been worth it in the end.

#lesson #life

Posted via Blogaway

Day 30 (End of another blog challenge)

Day 30: Anything you want to post about

Just last night I was looking through someone's instagram post and I felt a bit of envy towards her. Looking through her posts I realized how I haven't finished a book in ages, actually the last book I finished was last christmas break and it feels weird, it doesn't feel right. I miss reading! I've started many books but I haven't finished them and so I have decided to get back to reading and to make a list of the books I've read. I always say I will do something but I never actually do it. I want to re-invent myself and do things I haven't done before. After weeks of binge watching I have decided I  need to stop this, I need to do something with my life. I am not getting anywhere by sleeping, watching tv shows and dragging myself to school every day. I need to pick my self up and I have found one way in doing this and that is to start reading again. 

I've made a list of the books I remember reading so far, I know there's more but I honestly don't remember, I've been reading since I was in primary (elementary) school so I know it's been quite a lot already. 

#blog #challenge #books

Day 28 & 29

Day 28: Do you wish for anything at 11:11? If so, what do you wish for?

I do make a wish every night, I lie awake and it takes me forever to sleep. I am in bed after 9pm but I don't sleep until 12am, however I do not want to share the wish I make every night it turns 11:11. I want this wish to come true and also it is not something I am ready to tell the world just yet. It is something very personal, to others it may seem stupid and probably a waste of a wish but I need this wish to come true.

Day 29: Picture of yourself

This was taken last year on my 19th birthday, I will soon be celebrating my 20th birthday. My 19th year has been one of the most craziest adventures of my life so far. I have been at the top where I can taste the rainbow and I'm soaring through everything but then I've had my downfall where I lie awake at night thinking how did everything come to this. I have experienced so much, learned new things, made mistakes and been out of control. This picture of me may not seem like much but I was different, I wasn't that same person I am now. If I was that girl looking into the future I would be shocked with myself, I would say to myself "what happened?" I am in the process of picking up myself and trying to reinvent and enjoy what I have. I want to appreciate and enjoy my life right now and I need to sort out a lot of things, especially my emotions. I wish I could go back and re-live being nineteen but at the same time I would change things,  I know changing things will not make any difference. So I guess I just have to accept my life and keep on climbing. 

#blog #challenge 

Day 26 & 27

Day 26: What are some little things that make you feel warm and fuzzy?

My blanket and pillow! It's so comfortable even if its hot here I will still have them by my side, hugging it or draped over my legs or a part of my buddy. My sleep would not be complete without either of these.

Day 27: A picture of your handwriting

I am honestly too lazy to do this right now. However my handwriting is big and not really neat, but it is definitely readable.

Day 25: Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality?

Plain with an amazing personality, a long as he can look after himself properly then there is nothing wrong with being plain especially if he is great to be around with. I want someone I can talk to for hours and just being around with but having no awkward silences. I want someone who excites me, makes me laugh, for me when you fall in love with their personality sometimes there looks are just heightened. I know that sounds really bad but I do believe that when you fall in love with someone you learn to accept everything about them.

#blog #challenge 

Day 24: 7 things that cross your mind a lot

1. I'm hungry; pizza, pasta, fries
2. London
3. New York
4. Future
5. Bed - I want to sleep more, I don't want to get up
6. What will happen when I return back home?
7. Family

#blog #challenge

Day 22 & 23

Day 22: A picture of what you wore today

Well today I had class so I pretty much just wore my uniform and I don't usually take pictures with my uniform on.

Day 23: A letter to someone. Anyone.

Dear __________,
                         
                              I know we never really kept in contact, until now we don't. However I am glad that when we met up when I was in England it was as if nothing had changed. I really did miss you and I was so glad to be around you again. It was so great talking to you and seeing you again. A lot has changed and we didn't get to see each other as much as we used to. I am proud of you, I am proud of where you are right now and I hope you will continue to grow and become a better person.

I wish you all the best and I hope we will stay friends for more years to come. I know you have a life of your own now and everything is different, I expected it. I wish though that we kept in contact even more and that we still knew what was going on each others lives. To be honest my life is not the same without you, the both of you. I am used to you guys telling me it will be ok and pushing me. I am used to you guys pushing me and giving me the hard truth. I miss the advice and the things you would say and do to make me better. I wish you both were here to experience everything with me. It is not the same just telling you guys because back in high school you would both be with me throughout everything. Now I am alone, I am with people who judge me and don't understand me, who are probably getting tired of it all. I miss the times I could cry on the phones and when I spoke to you guys you both would just make me think about something else and make me feel better.

Now nothing is the same, I'm with people who don't know me as well as you guys. They try to analyse everything its basically not the same. I want to make up for the times that I have missed out, I want catch up and be with you guys again. Even if it is all different now I want to be with you guys again.

               From that "shy" girl


#blog #challenge

Day 20: Concerts you have attended

Well this is a boring question because I have a boring answer, I would love to have attended many concerts and I still do. Usually I don't have any money or no one to go with. I've been to see Panic at the disco! That was great I would loved to have been closer but it was great just being there. I would definitely want to experience this again.

#blog #challenge

Day 19: A list of all the places you've lived at

Simple answer, England and the Philippines. I was born and raised in England and then I moved to the Philippines at the age of 16 just to study. I am currently living and studying in the Philippines and it has been nearly three years, ongoing.

#blog #challenge

Day 18: Name the tv show you have been addicted to

That's very easy as right now everyone who asks me what I have been up to I tell them I've been watching FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR!!! I love this show!! It makes me laugh no matter what mood I am in and in makes me feel better, it really cheers me up all the time. I cannot get enough of it, the first two seasons were the funniest but I still love it. I could watch it all day, oh wait, I do.

#blog #challenge