Coming Back

Its been four day since I've landed here in the Philippines. I'm trying to get used to the people again, it feels so weird being back after two years. So far I've already been shopping, met up with friends and family and I finally got to try Shisha.

The people here are not as approachable and friendly as back in the Philippines, this is not new. This was my main focus when I was coming back here. I wanted to see if I fit in, if I feel comfortable being around the people here. I was so happy and relieved when I got to see my family and a few of my friends.

I don't want to relive any memories or go back to memories. I want to do everything diffrently while I'm here. My fashion sense has finally changed and I actually care now and give more effort to what I wear. I don't want to go back to the life I lived before, it would be a waste of the time I spent in the Philippines trying to change and improve myself.

Everything I do here I compare to the Philippine and I think to myself where do I prefer it most. When I saw my sister and mum at the airport it was so good to see them, I did wish my best friend was there though. When I was in the car already I was cold and I immediately thought, I prefer it in the Philippines. It doesn't even feel like I've come back, it feels like I'm just visiting. Its not great to see people from back in High School, I actually dread the fact of bumping into old faces.

Appreciating Myself

Yesterday I did something for the first time and I actually enjoyed it, I appreciated it and it was the best feeling I have ever experienced. I spent it alone. While sipping on my cafe americano and reading Cosmopolitan I was taking in the sweet taste of my bubblegum cupcake. This was my first time ever to do something alone in a public place.

I was never that person who walked around the mall on my own, or who ordered food alone, or even sat on my own. I actually got lost reading the magazine. I was comfortable and it felt normal. It felt great.

In a days time I will be travelling alone back to London. I am excited for this. I will finally get to walk on my own, roam around alone. I am not even nervous or worried, I am excited. For me as long as I have money I will definitely enjoy this time alone.

I want to prepare myself for New York, where one day I will lose myself and enjoy the company of myself only.

I want to be left alone. I don't want anyone guiding me; telling me what to do; checking up on me and worrying about me. I want to be alone, I want to walk on my own and lose myself where I can learn, grow and experience, meet new people, and learn new things. It doesn't scare me one bit. I'm looking forward to doing things on my own. I want to shop alone. I want to roam around on my own and just appreciate everything on my own. I want to take it all in only through my eyes where I can experience it on my own.

I don't need anyone on my side anymore, I want to live this life standing with my two feet only!