L.O.V.E.

Love.  What does that mean? Why do people make a big deal out of it? Why does it hurt so much but at the same time can be the best thing that's ever happened?  I am unexperienced and don't know anything about love. I base this thing called "love" on movies, friends and family. 

I've seen heartbreaks and smiles travel through their lives. While I sit here; watching over them and taking in all their stories, complaints and personal experiences.  I'm getting used to it. It's ok, I might be bitter but no one has the right to judge me. 

I have someone I like.  I don't want to make a big deal out of it. He doesn't like me back,  if we did I think we would be closer than we are right now.  We talk every now and then so I guess we're just friends.

He's not someone my friends would want me to be with. I'm attracted to him, though I ignore it. I deny it and throw away my feelings but they keep coming back.  So what is it? What is it that I like about the guy that I like so much?  Or why do I like him?

Is this normal. It seems like it. My feelings come back every time I'm not busy.  He pops up in my mind out of the blue. Recently its been happening more often,  it only goes away when I'm busy. 

I see the good in him and I want to be there for him. I want to be the one to make him smile. What does this all mean though?

It doesn't hurt.  It makes me feel sad every time your near but we're just friends. I'm ok with it. I'm used to it. Its hard every time you approach me or even simple gestures like putting your hand on my shoulder.

I will be here waiting for that special moment when you see me as more than just a friend. 

Posted via Blogaway

Growing Up

Four days have passed and here I am recalling all my memories of my second year and waiting for my grades. I have changed so much and I feel like I have come so far. I can't believe I have come this far I am so proud of myself and I am ready to continue learning and growing.

Second year was so much better than my first year, I had so many firsts. My first time to sleep over a friends house; first time to get drunk; first time to take a taxi on my own and much more. Actually I don't remember much of my second year but what I do remember are the things I've done while being nineteen. Not only has my second year been fun, being nineteen has so far been the best part of my life. I love my age, I love my life. 

I made so many new friends, went out more and learned how to love life. I remember on my 19th birthday I went to bed crying. I prayed and wished for a boyfriend, but I received much more. I have my family and friends and I have freedom. 

I have finally let loose and I am even more excited to return back to England. I know I will get a shock and I know for sure, they will too. My friends and family will all see how much I've grown and matured. I'm excited to finally show them what I've become. I'm excited to share stories and finally go out and explore London. 

Fan Girl vs Reality

I don't want to be a fan girl anymore.  Being a fan girl means you live in a dream world. I want to experience what's real,  I want to know what's real.  You will forever be hoping and waiting.  One day I will realize that all of this will have meant nothing.  I will wake up and laugh at myself and think "why did I fan girl over you?"

I will get along with my life living the way I should be and I will just see him as someone on tv doing his job. What will happen though if one day I am faced with him,  an interview perhaps.  I can not let that get in the way of my career.  So why can't I get over you.  I'm nineteen already and I've been fangirling since high school over the same guy.

It's not something I can just resign from or give up on. I don't know when I will stop or when I will forget about him. For me it's like an illness, I feel like it's a sickness.  It is a part of life but you can't avoid it and it's hard to just shake it off. It will always be there.  I didn't say to myself "he's hot, fangirl over him."

This was not a choice it just passed through me. It happened and will continue to happen,  but I don't know how long it will last. I wish it would end soon though.  What will I get from it anyway? 

Posted via Blogaway

Beyond Expectations

Afraid to move
Afraid to speak
People jugde
People speak
Every move you make there will always be someone there analyzing, thinking,  judging
They assume, they think they know
Should we care
Can we just move through life without thinking about what others think

Good girl gone bad
Theres  no such thing
No one can always be good
But there is such thing as a limit
What if they reached that limit
What if they're tired
Tired of keeping up a reputation that was put on them
Expectations,  is that it
Is there nothing beyond that

I want to break free
I want to do what I want because I wanted it
I want to do it because I chose it
I don't want to follow
I say it's right because I feel like it is

Posted via Blogaway

Spoken Word Poetry

Here is the piece me and my friend performed for our final exam for our Oral Communication class. It is not complete yet, it is still missing the last paragraph. Enjoy!

Pain. Suffering. Its ok.

High school. College.

Stepping stones.

Learning this and that

It’s ok

I was that girl

Afraid. Weak. Fragile.

I chose this life.

I wanted this life

I was hurt, broken and gave up many times
But God helped me
I prayed for strength
And every time I got thrown to the ground
But I am here
Standing strong

From friends to family
Who all tore my heart and left me
with loneliness
I stood up
And I wiped away my tears

Maybe I didn’t try too hard.

You know, how you look at things like they could’ve been way better

But they’re not

That’s how I look at my life
Maybe I didn’t sleep enough when I needed to
Or ate enough vegetables when my mom told me to
‘Cause every time I look at myself,
I see something not worthwhile
I needed people to tell me I was worth something
But they didn’t
I didn’t hold it against them, though
Maybe I just wasn’t worth it.

So I watched
I watched everyone’s life go by
While I sat at the sidelines admiring them
And hoping that someday that would be me
It was like I was in a car that’s heading somewhere I don’t know
I was growing old but I wasn’t growing up
I tottered on safe sidewalks while people around me took leaps of faith

Then I was tired.
I was tired of watching
So I stood up and without a second thought,

I leaped.
I leaped into my life and took it on headfirst
I wasn’t the passenger anymore, I was the driver
And I liked it.

I was going to places I’ve never been to before
With an ounce of fear and a couple more ounces of faith
This is my life

So here I am searching for myself
I am happy right now I can feel myself missing my time here
Nothings bringing me down no ones stopping me
I am that girl running free
I got what I wanted
I’m away from those silly arguments, negative atmospheres and problems here and there
Now I’m surrounded by happy joyful people, full of positive vibes
It doesn’t hurt anymore
I love this freedom, I love my life
I made this decision and I am living it the way I wanted it
Yes it’s hard, yes it hurts
Away from family, away from friends but I made this sacrifice, I made this decision
All I see right now is New York
Being here is a stepping stone
I live a life with no regrets, either it happened for a reason or it is a lesson learned
I will always bring this with me

But I’m not done yet

I've made my decision.
I don't let the days pass me by anymore.
I have one life
One chance
A lot of things might stop me
People telling me I'm crazy enough to do the things I do
I let go when everybody told me to hold on
I try my best to fight
I open up my eyes to sky to find my way
I fight for the better days

The road I chose is tough
And it takes a toll on me
When that happens I pray
I pray for the heavens to remind me
Of the dream that I protect with all my heart
The dream that would someday be mine

I'm still young
And my dream could be ruled out as a mere fantasy
Something impossible
I've listen to the voices around me
They have swayed me to their direction long enough
But now I stand my ground
My dream
It's once in a lifetime

I leaped.
I leaped into my life and took it on headfirst
I wasn’t the passenger anymore, I was the driver
And I liked it.

I was going to places I’ve never been to before
With an ounce of fear and a couple more ounces of faith
This is my life

We all have a dream
And I am scared as hell for mine
Sometimes I feel like it will never become reality
But I say to myself, New York I will see you soon
I will be there I say to myself
Chasing celebrities, attending events
I will be further away from family, making new friends But it’s ok
I want to be walking the streets of New York, working and living that kind of life
No one controlling me or holding me back or telling me what to do
I want that glamorous life
Yes it’s hard, trust me everyone’s told me
But I want it so bad, I imagine my life every time
And yes, I picture myself in New York

People tried to stop me before
But here I am, I fought for this life
I can smile every time
I am eager

It might take a while but I know I'll get there

I want to be where my heart is.

I may trek this journey alone

I may be lost in translation

But that's fine by me

I don't expect a bed of roses to meet me

Life is difficult

But it is never impossible.

The worst might come my way

The disappointments and the heartache

But I'll survive

I have to get my heart somehow.

It left without me,

And it's just waiting

Waiting for me to make a move

So here I am

Doing everything for the reunion I've often dreamed of

To be where my heart has always been.

Let Me Go

I'm hurt
By all this controlling and judging
If I want to do something
Why can't I?
Why do I have to be stopped?
I want to work on myself
Barriers here and there
Give me space and freedom
Let me run wild and free
Let me experience all of this
Let me get hurt
From life and not from you
It's ok
I will get somewhere
It's better to make mistakes, get hurt, be emabrassed
Do you know why?
Would you rather experience rather than lie awake and imagine
Dream about what it would have been like
I don't want this life
I want an escape
I want to go
I want to go
Here, there, everywhere

I won't stand long with you
I won't stand long with your barriers
I won't stand long with your control
Protect me, sure why not?
Want me to be happy?
Let me go!
Let me be!
It's scarey out there, I know!
I can see
But tie me up even more
And I will run further
I will fight harder
I will cry rivers
Maybe even my heart will cry
Because you know what?
I am enjoying this freedom
I can breathe!
I can see!
All the beautiful painful things in life
I am not embarassed
I want an escape
I want to go
I want to go
Here, there, everywhere

Please just let me be
Please let me see for myself
I know it's scarey
How did you live your life?
At home too?
Watching tv, eating, dreaming, imagining?
Was it fun?
Should I do this for the rest of my life?
Will you watch me?
Sure, you will see the pain, I promise you.
I want an escape
I want to go
I want to go
Here, there, everywhere