I Know Who I Am, But Where Am I?

I was having a chat with a close friend earlier. She was telling me how she feels and I was telling her how I feel. I love having her around and she means so much to me. She is someone I can talk to about anything and everything. I am so glad I met her!

There is one thing that God gives me all the time wherever I go and that would be friends. God has never ever left me alone, although there are times that I feel lonely. Loneliness can really drag me down. It can really make me question where am I?

I have developed. I have improved. I have become better and stronger as a person. I am so proud of what I have, how far I've come and who I am. I don't regret anything. Apart from grades that are slightly improving I haven't given up; I don't intend on giving up. I have a dream and I am going towards that.

But where is my love life? What happened to it? Do I even need one? Why is it taking this long? Why am I even looking for it? Who says we need it in our lives? Why does it even exist? 

I don't want it, I mean I am happy with my life. But for some reason I urge for it. I urge for that sweetness that I see happen on tv. I hear stories from my friends, I don't get jealous but I wonder how comes I haven't experienced it yet. I don't have stories to tell where I can cry or laugh about. 

My past relationships don't even count. It was forced and I wasn't ready, I was copying others. I was going with the flow, however it went nowhere.

I know everything happens for a reason. I know maybe this is not the right time. I know that God has it all planned, its all there. That idea. But it just won't sink in. It won't program into my brain and heart. It hurts not to be able to relate to others, to not be able to experience this thing called "love." But I am happy with my life. I have family and friends why do I need a guy in my life? I wish someone could answer it for me. 

I wish someone could answer all this for me but I don't think anyone can. I think God will just show me these answers, and I guess I just have to trust him. I pray and tell him that its up to him now. But then I forget I don't know how to. I don't know where I'm going. 

I can officially say I have found who I am but not where I am right now. I want to be able to answer these questions or I want someone to explain this to me. But (again) why do we need love? Is having a crush or liking someone even real? I forgot what it felt like. I don't even know if my feelings are real. 

God. That's it really, I guess I will just rely on him even though I don't know how to do this. I am going to try my best to find answers to what I am feeling.