Alone But Happy

I'm finally comfortable being alone.  I never thought I would ever reach this stage. I don't feel scared anymore and I actually like being alone.

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One Last Time

Just once and never again
There's a reason
But what reason
You were unexpected and you shocked me
Made me lose control
I just couldn't say no
Your age, height, moves
I didn't care
But why? 
Out of all those I've met
You saw me, vulnerable, in a mess
And out of control
I didn't stop
You were in control
But does it end there?

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Love Doesn't Exist

Sadly my brain is programmed to live a life just like the movies. I believe in fairytales and happy endings.  Just writing this is making me cry. We believe in it so easily, this is all we look for in life. We have to grow up, I have to grow up. I will always believe in happy endings and fairy tales, though not everyone has theirs. Its so beautiful and amazing in the movies, if it exists there why can't we make it happen too? Why can't we make our lives into movies?

I hurt myself over thinking about love.  Actually I'm fine being single but everyday I wake up being reminded that I am. I don't need to be reminded.  I'm happy with my life.

I can live with it.

I have lived with it.

I am living with it.

I enjoy being single, why is it a big issue?

I came to the Philippines to work on myself, be more independent and have freedom.  I got it. Its not complete but I'm getting there. I'm even more confident than ever before and I feel it. I want "love" to just leave me for now; my feelings, my emotions. I want to feel like love doesn't exist.  I want to feel like I'm not capable of loving or being loved. Only I can love myself and I refuse to let anyone in.

I want to get rid of the idea and just live my life selfishly.  I want to be selfish and have myself all to myself.  Maybe if I'm strict on myself I will forget about love and I will live a life with no worries.

I want to love myself like I'm the only person I can love. Maybe then this will teach me a lesson.  It will make me respect myself.

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Busy Life

Here's to the busy life I'm experiencing right now. I've been so busy that I have so many things just running through my mind. I am so excited to go back to England to see my friends and family again. My grades is the only thing holding me back. I'm kicking myself in the ass because I badly want to get on the plane back to London. It will be two years since I last saw my family and friends. The next time I will be able to go is in two years. I can not go four years without seeing them.

So far I have experienced so many things and done things for the first time. I've eaten in many different kinds of places, drunk with friends, slept over my friends house, entered a cave, attended two festivals and much more. I don't know how I will tell everyone everything back home. Just to see them and spend time with them is all I wish for.

I am scared right now for my third year, I've been told how hard it is. Right now I feel so tired with everything that's going on, I can't wait for summer already. I don't know how I will cope next sem and I plan on making the most of my time there. 

Never Been Kissed

Yup that's me. I am actually proud of myself that I haven't had my first kiss, though I always imagine when and who I will have it with. Not everyone reaches this far.  Many regret their first kiss others enjoyed it, I'm thankful I'm in neither category.

The other day I watched the movie Never Been Kissed starring Drew Barrymore and I realized how much I could relate to it. I thought to myself why isn't this my favourite movie? Just like her where she was not part of the popular crowd I wasn't either; I was invisible instead. Where everyone knew Josie's name, no one knew mine. Even if they were in my class they would forget that I was there too. No one knew me or if they did they tagged me as "The Shy One" or "The Quiet One." I didn't enjoy High School, I did have friends sadly I felt like I didn't fit in perfectly. However I did have their support and they were always there for me! I remember there were times where I would walk around campus on my own because I didn't have anyone to go to. I did feel like a loner a lot. I remember one time I cried so much I locked myself in the bathroom because I felt like I had nothing and I was so alone. High School wasn't my favourite years of my life. It was painful for me.

There is nothing I would change because I am so happy with my life right now. If I changed anything in the past I would lose something in the present and I don't want that. High School made me stronger, it made me realize and learn many things. If I wasn't shy, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't have tried to find myself in the Philippines. I wouldn't have toughened up and gained confidence, I feel like I needed to be shy to become who I am today. I know I have a long way to go, that's the thing, I have a long way to go why should I go back and change anything.

I feel Josie, because we all want to have that kind of popularity and we want to be noticed. Everything we go through in high school can shape, teach and make us who we are for the future. It gives us the standards to what we should be in college. We choose to be someone different than that person we were back in High School. We find ourselves as we go through our lives. I am doing this day by day, week by week, month by month and year by year. Working on myself and becoming who I want to be.

First Time

The first month of the year was literally a crazy roller coaster ride. I've already had my ups and downs this month, where I've cried so hard but laughed  louder at the same time. I experienced having my first ever sleepover with friends. 

About a week ago I went all the way to Laguna to attend a debut. I was proud to also be a part of the program for the second time. The first time I was one of the 18 candles this time around I was one of the Treasures. I bought the debutant a UAAP magazine as I knew she was a fan of sports and then a notebook seeing as she is part of the Tom Web organization in our University I knew she would be able to use this. After great food and the program being successful and fun. Actually this was the first time I saw an 18 man dance. I had no idea what this was at first but then I saw how she danced with 18 elderly men in her life. To continue with the celebration we were given one bottle of tequila which we shared between another group. However, they gave up on drinking and we took it up to our room. There were seven of us in the room and we just spent the night chit-chatting and laughing our minds off. I've never laughed that much before to the point where even after everyone stopped laughing I still had the urge to laugh. The jokes just wouldn't leave me. Some of us slept early some of us slept for two hours, I was one of them. We were all in one room but we fitted perfectly. Even without all the alcohol we still managed to have fun. 

My second sleepover was fairly short and this time around we did sleep. We watched a bit of Breakfast at Tiffany's and we just hanged around our house. It was just so comfortable and normal that it didn't really feel like I was sleeping over. I think it's because we see each other all the time. Every day we see each other and so I think I've gotten used to my friends company, which is great to have. 

Well so far that's all that's happened that has really stood out. Hopefully I will have many more 'first time moments' this year. 

I Salute 2013!

Well, this year has been pretty good. I've enjoyed it and I've learned a lot. I feel like I have matured a lot more than before. I finally feel comfortable with myself. I didn't have many downs this year, I did have one but I rose from it and I really kept on fighting for myself.

I learned to let go of the things unnecessary and to enjoy and have fun with my life. I can see clearly than ever before that I have friends and family that are always there for me. I got over the whole being single issue. I am so proud of how far I have come and I am so happy with my life. Yes it is not perfect but I have learned to appreciate and count all the blessings I have.

I am thankful for everything that has come into my life; friends, family, grades. My highlight was passing all my subjects and turning 19. I went to bed on my 19th birthday realizing I should be happy with my life and I am.

I don't know what else to say about this year, but I enjoyed this year. I am even more comfortable with my life and I feel freer and more mature than previously. I am excited for 2014 hopefully I will be able to go back to England and I will be able to find the final answer to why I really did come to the Philippines. I want to clear things out with myself and for my future. I aim to know what I want next year for my future ahead of me. I am ready to take on anything next year and I am excited for new experiences and hopefully new people that I will meet along the way.

Here are a few pictures from this year!